Faith&Fertility

In my early 20’s, and being in a long term relationship there was one thing that scared the shit out of me: getting pregnant.  Well, I’ve come to learn within myself the only thing scarier: not getting pregnant.  I’ve been on birth control ever since I was 15 (due to horrible cramps keeping me home from school every month).  Any other issues concerning my female reproductive system weren’t discussed or explored until I was about 23 and thinking about starting a family.  As I’m sure is the same for a lot of women.  After experiencing a mini-stroke caused by my birth control, I said F the pill and my Husband (fiancé at the time) and I had the “baby-talk”.  Him and I never really talked about kids or being parents, I think the idea of it all scared us both shitless honestly.  We took the very casual, “if it happens, it happens” approach.  That didn’t last long, for me at least.  The idea of getting pregnant though once had scared me, started to consume me.  It was all i could think about.  I completely changed my diet, I stopped drinking, I drank tea instead of coffee (like, who in their right mind?!?!).  I was consumed by the countless number of fertility apps on my phone, and not to mention the ridiculous amount of ovulation tests I went through every month.  Talk about losing your mind, those things will drive you nuts (especially when the line stays the same and never gets darker).  Every month around the time Aunt Flo was ready to show up, I was positive she wouldn’t and I’d be pregnant.  Well, it didn’t and I wasn’t.  Two months in, nothing.  Six months in, still nothing.  The year mark hit and my period was finally late.  It was never late.  I took what seemed like 100 pregnancy tests and all were negative.  I had heard people talk about the term “chemical pregnancy”.  My doctor and I had determined, that’s probably what it was.  It had happened 1 or 2 more times within the next few months.  That’s when I started to lose hope.  You never think you will fight with this thing called infertility, until you are in fact fighting it.  How could this be happening to me, when someone looks at a women the wrong way and she gets up knocked up?  Can someone give me whatever she’s having?!  I felt like a failure, and I questioned my ability as a woman to give my Husband and I a child.

Growing up, religion was never a priority for me.  The only time I was in church was for a funeral, or a wedding.  I was completely content with that, because I remember having people push religion on me and it turned me off to the whole idea. But, about a year ago, I made my first attempt to attend church after casually being invited by a friend (I appreciated her easy going approach to it so, why not?).  I didn’t expect anything out of it, and most definitely didn’t plan on making it a regular thing.  After that service, which ended up being very relevant to my struggle with infertility I decided to make a lifestyle change.  I don’t think I truly understood what it meant to have a relationship with Jesus Christ, and up until this point I never wanted it.  I had never prayed aloud to God, but after awhile it became second nature.  Although I was praying, I was stressing myself out over the fact I still wasn’t pregnant.  Every month there were tears.  Every month there were more questions.  But, I kept praying.  Eventually I had gotten so fed up with myself, quite annoyed actually, and I gave up.  I didn’t give up on the idea of giving my Husband and I a child, but I gave up the power I thought I had over it and let God take it.  My prayers turned from, “Lord, please let me be pregnant this month,” to “Lord, I give all the power to you.  Give me the strength to have faith in your plan and timing.”  I started to feel a sense of peace even though I still hadn’t received what I longed for.

That time of the month rolled around once again, but this month I didn’t think much about it.  I even went out for a night of drinks with a friend (I hadn’t done that for months).  Life was good, and I wasn’t anxious or stressed.  I had been at work and saw someone posted that it was “National Bump Day”. Go figure, that had prompted me to check my fertility calendar and lo and behold my period was 4 days late.  I still didn’t think much of it.  When I got home I decided to take a pregnancy test knowing it was going to be negative.. why do I do this to myself?  I left the bathroom for about 10 minutes and completely forgot the test was in there (unlike most times I have a timer set and Im staring at it the whole time).  I went to check it, STILL not expecting anything.  It was positive. Blazing positive. There were TWO LINES.  All I remember is falling to my knees and praising God.  I could barely get any words out because I was doing this weird cry/laugh thing.  All I could think of afterwards was the amount of time and energy I spent on stressing out over conceiving this baby.  It didn’t matter, it was completely out of my hands.  I sternly believe that if I hadn’t put all my faith in the Lord, cast all my worries on him and trust that his timing is perfect, I would still be struggling with infertility.  I wouldn’t wish infertility on ANYONE.  I only struggled with this for about a year and a half which I consider to be mild compared to others.  Those of you who are struggling with this, I pray for you.  I pray you put your trust in Him, because he WILL deliver.

Nash Michael is due April 7th, 2017.  I thank the Lord for him everyday.

Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her.  Luke 1:45

3 thoughts on “Faith&Fertility

  1. I love you and so proud of you! I cannot wait for this bundle of joy to arrive! You are an amazing woman and friend. Pregnancy looks amazing on you! Hugs!

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  2. I am not really a religious person as it was pushed on me being from an Irish catholic background. I did however ‘give up’ trying and wanting to get pregnant, I said what will be will be. I also made plans and went out and I woke up a week late and a big fat positive. It wasn’t till I saw those two lines that I started to believe in Faith.

    Congratulations to you 🙂 x

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