My Last Pregnancy Blog

As I’m sitting here, 39 weeks pregnant, the fear of the unknown has officially smacked me right in the face.  The ‘when/where/what/how’ is shit going to go down is in full effect.  I have nothing but time to sit here and have a panic attack about the following questions, “Is my water going to break, and if it does will I be at the grocery store?  How damn long until this baby comes out?”, and of course the most terrifying of all, “Am I going to poop during labor?”.  I didn’t think I’d still be pregnant at this point, considering I’ve walked so much to try and get this child out I might as well be Forrest Gump (the pregnant version that waddles instead of runs).  These things can be very discouraging.  Kind of like when you’re at your 39 week appointment and your Dr. tells you, “You’re at a good 2 cm!” Is that supposed to make me feel better, when i’ve been up all night with contractions that apparently were for practice and not the real thing.  Aside from these anxieties, I’m also experiencing deeper doubts like, “Am I going to be a good mom?” and, “Are my husband and I really ready for this?”  After trying so hard to conceive this baby how can I be asking myself these questions?  Or maybe that just makes me human.  I am so excited to be a mommy, but I’m also scared shitless.  On top of everything my husband won’t even be here for me to scream at him in the delivery room (lucky him).  Like father, like son.. this boy is already stubborn as hell.  I really should be taking this time to relax and enjoy the end of my pregnancy, but how can I do that when all I can think about is meeting our baby?  I know our lives are about to change forever.  I know that I won’t experience love at first sight until I see that little boy for the first time.  I know that when I see my husband with our son I will fall in love with him even more.  As miserable as I seem and as much as I complain about how sick of being pregnant I am, I am so grateful to God that he is giving us this gift.  I thank Him everyday for this baby and this pregnancy.  So cheers to (hopefully) my last pregnancy blog.  I’m going to sit here and enjoy these baby hiccups, punches and kicks.  Nash Michael, you are calling the shots and you will come when you are ready.. and if not, well it looks like I’ll be pregnant forever.

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