Losing my identity

The days start to blend together, especially when you get little to no sleep.  Trying to get your 4 month old child on a schedule is nearly impossible.  Getting Nash to sleep at the same time every day (if at all) and trying to plan around that is insane.  I’ve been trying to get to the damn grocery store for three days now.. and guess what?  We’re still out of bread, cheese, and beer.. you know, the essentials.

Who am I?  I used to be extremely timely, got shit done before noon, had time to go to the gym, dinner prepped and made AND took multiple bubbles baths a week.  Now I’m lucky if I shower every two days.  Funny how motherhood makes you forget things like that.  I had a baby and that’s my life now.  Sometimes I sit here and think, what did I used to do for fun?  Its almost like life before Nash was a dream or a distant memory.  After you have a baby you literally forget what life was like before them.

As a new mom I feel like I’m losing my identity, and my shit.  Im officially my child’s snack bitch (especially since he’s going through a growth spurt and eats every hour and a  half).  My boobs need a rest.  Sometimes, I do feel like a bad mom.  I asked for this.  I don’t regret having him but I am longing for a second of quietness.   During the week I have been a stay at home mom, but most weekends I go to work and it does keep me sane.  Having adult interaction is so necessary when you have a baby at home.  Full time stay at home moms are incredible humans, because I would go even more insane than I already am.  When you start to baby talk to everyone around you.. Its time to get out of the house.

When you become a parent (especially in your mid  20’s) you have friends that you don’t see or hear from for months.  You wonder if you did something wrong, or if they don’t like you anymore, or maybe you’re too boring now that you’re a parent.  People stop asking if you’d like to go out even though 99.9% of the time I’m going to decline, its still nice to be invited.  Your friends who don’t have kids have different priorities, and thats ok.  When you become a mom anything and everything you talk about somehow relates to your child or being a parent and thats not necessarily the most exciting subject for your childless friends.

This last weekend I attended a wedding and it was Nash’s first big event.  He did good through the ceremony but once its time for mommy to have a glass of wine and eat (per usual) he gets fussy.  I tried feeding him, walking around, patting his back.. he wasn’t having it.  My husband was the best man and as he was making his speech I was up at the front nursing our child, and he had mentioned Nash and I and I felt the whole room of 125 people staring at me.  As I’m about to have a mental breakdown in front of everyone because he won’t calm down, one of the workers that were bringing out food for everyone came up to me.  She says, “You are a great mom.  You are doing a great job and I know its tough but you’re doing amazing.”  I was literally speechless at first.  I don’t hear this all of time and to hear this from a complete stranger was incredible.  It nearly brought me to tears.  Sometimes it is nice to be recognized, especially as a mom.

I’m really not the most exciting person, I don’t have a lot going on in my life other than being a mom and most nights consist of being home with my husband, baby and three dogs.  At the end of the day I’m totally happy with that.  I may have lost my identity from my pre-baby life but I did gain a new identity, “Mommy.”

2 thoughts on “Losing my identity

  1. Kierry, as an experienced mumma and Grandmumma, let me tell you, enjoy all these moments! You may think they are moving at a snails pace, but there will be a time you will be wishing to have them back! Remember too, to Nash you are EVERYTHING! Dirty hair, lack of phone calls, no beer in the house….none of that matters to him…..you are his world and he selfishly, as it should be, will take you flaws in all! There is an old saying ” having children is the best cure for selfishness”! That includes the simple day to day things like going to the bathroom or eating a hot meal! You still have your identity, you’ve just added so much more to it……the ability to care for another human, protect them to the ends of the earth and love them unconditionally! Just a few thoughts ……
    Laura B

    Liked by 1 person

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