Six month mommy

Nashypoo is six months old.  I blinked and now I have a 20 pound, chubby cheeked, two toothed (my nipples hurt) baby.  He is changing every single day.  Mommy is too, but not in the same sense.  Let me chug this cup of coffee before I enlighten you all on what being 6 months postpartum is like for me.

**10 mintues later**

Lets be very real, I feel like shit the majority of the time.  I’m so uncomfortable in my own body, sometimes I hate to even get undressed to get in the shower (if I have the time or energy to do so.)  I try extremely hard to embrace my “mom bod” and I do know my body will never be the same as it was pre-baby but that doesn’t make it any easier.  I tried the paleo diet for a week (minus not cutting out cheese) and it was going great until my breast milk supply dropped.  I’d rather supply milk for my child than lose weight, it just didn’t seem worth it to me.  For the record, i’m not looking for a pity party and I’m most definitely not looking for the plethora of messages on Facebook about itWORKS (please and thank you.)

In the midsts of having a baby I haven’t been to church in what seems like forever.  I’ve lost my relationship with Jesus and I hate that feeling.  Some days I’m so exhausted and all I can pray for is connection because I need it.  I want to be the best role model I can for Nash and I feel like I’m failing at that without a strong faith.  On top of that I don’t have a relationship with my parents at the moment (for various reasons I won’t get into) therefor, Nash doesn’t see his grandparents.  I’m trying to do whats best for him and my family but I also feel like I’m depriving him of that relationship.  I feel like a bad mom.

Lets go back a couple months, our good friends had a get together (we knew very few people invited) and of course we brought Nash with us.  The “cry it out” method is very controversial but my husband and I decided its something that we support.  My child is VERY relentless and he could cry at the top of his lungs for an hour.. or maybe more.  I never let him cry for longer than 10 minutes at a time but if we are consistent it is effective.  We brought over our own baby monitor to set up in the guest room so we could sit out by the bonfire and enjoy ourselves, which doesn’t happen very often.  I changed and fed Nash and set him in the swing, and of course he cried.  I went outside and about 5 minutes later someone comes out with an attitude and says, “someones kid is going insane in the other room.”  NO SHIT.  Turns out, they took my baby out of the swing! I did not know this person, his wife or how they raise their kids, but I was SO embarrassed, infuriated not to mention defeated.  It isn’t easy to listen to your child cry it out especially as a first time parent, but this circumstance made me second guess my judgment as a mother.  Am I doing the right thing?  Am I being a good mom?  I probably won’t ever see these people again so it doesn’t matter what they think or anyone else for that matter but I couldn’t help but feel like a bad mom.

When you have a baby you also put your marriage on the back burner for awhile.  My husband and I haven’t taken a date night since Nash was born.  NOT ONE.  Sometimes I have the idea in my head that I can get Nash to sleep in his crib, take a shower, get a load of laundry in and still have the energy to not only be intimate with my husband but to even just lay there in bed together without a baby (yes we bedshare, sue me.) Most nights, and by most I mean every, when my head hits the pillow its game over.  I feel bad for my husband.  Its not that I don’t want to be intimate, and I do want to make him a priority but I have no energy left to even get in the mood.  Plus my boobs are constantly out all the time due to nursing so there is definitely no room for imagination there.

This blog is more for myself in a sense.  I wanted to pour my heart out on the internal conflict Ive been dealing with and get in a mind set to take charge of my feelings and my life.  I want to be a better wife, mom and person not only for myself but the people around me.  I don’t ever expect to be perfect but I want to constantly improve.  Maybe also get a load of laundry done from start to finish (wouldn’t count on it.)  I know a lot of moms can related to my feelings of the “six month blues”, so I hope it comforts you to know you’re not alone.  Would you look at that, just on time Nash is crying at the top of his lungs, so chug another cup of coffee Mama and lets get it!

One thought on “Six month mommy

  1. Oh honey, I can relate although it’s been a long time ago. More recently I’ve relived these days with my own daughters. This is a hard time for you and I can’t express enough to really try to find time for church. I’m sure there’s a young mom group of some sort that may be a huge help to you. Let alone, getting back with Jesus will give you peace.
    I miss having you do my hair and even was willing to make the drive but you weren’t working on Sat 😑.
    Anyway, I’ll pray for your family and I know things will get better soon.
    Miss you,
    Pat

    Like

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